bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
