finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
