Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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