I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
