dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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