I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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