I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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