I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
