Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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