ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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