The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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