Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
