I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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