fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
