When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
