I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
