Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
This baby is an asshole
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I still have a little drunk in my system
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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