God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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