roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
