I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
