True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
