It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
