i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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