Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
