I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
