I am full of burrito and curiosity
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
