What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
