She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
