Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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