She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
