Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
