Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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