Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
