I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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