***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
