Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
