Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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