I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
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let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
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I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
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