Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
