I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
