i just had sex bonerless
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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