The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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