At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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