He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
