I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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