I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
