Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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