True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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