my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
