dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
