did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
