Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
