my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?