i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.