I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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