Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
