You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
