Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
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