FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
