just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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