Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
