I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
