I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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