how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
